Our Lonely Third Star
by talesofmyheart
Summary: Kelly cant sleep, she has tortured memories of her deceased friend James Kimberley Griffith. She never got to tell him the truth, but now she hears his voice, and feels his presence. But how could that be possible?
1. Chapter 1

pChapter 1/p

pGlimpses of the drowning haunt my sleep. The kiss, the goodbye, and the body all torture my mind. I can remember it as clear as the sand on the water that day. I wake up with a gasp, drenched sheets clasped in my fingers and the sound of clashing waves in my head. I can feel something wet drip down my pale, smooth cheek. There's a metallic taste in my mouth and my lips are all chapped from constantly being bitten. I don't want to remember this, but yet I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to forget but the memory's too unbearable to stay. I can't go back to sleep now, I begrudgingly get up and check the time. 3:00 am, "God is it that early"? and dawdle to the bathroom. I put the light on the bathroom and look into the mirror. I'm starting to look emaciated but I can't eat anymore, my collarbones sticking out like two pins. /p

pBut what is frightening even more, is my eyes. James used to always say my eyes looked like molten gold "Your eyes remind of the sun Kelly, never think you're eyes aren't beautiful". My eyes used to be bright and full of happiness, but now are blank and dull. My hair which used to glow caramel in the sun, now falls limp against my shoulder blades. The worst thing is, is that I don't even care. I don't care about the way I look anymore, the world's just an empty place now. The world took what I loved the most and there's no changing back now. I turn the tap on and I splash water on my face, the hot water sinking into my pores. I look at the water swirling down the drain, its almost peaceful. Flashback of the drowning, the crying, the tent and his gorgeous smile fill my head. I cry out and retch into the sink, nothing coming up. I collapse on the floor, breath coming out in small, whimpering gasps. I hear my name, "Kelly, Kelly its ok Kelly, calm down" in a soft, gentle voice and feel a light touch on my shoulders. As If someone was hugging me from behind, but how?. How?, there's no one here. "What are you"? I cry out, my breath wheezing, my voice raspy. "James"?, "James is that you"?. No reply, I slowly get up and hold onto the sink as my legs tremble under my weight. I look into the mirror, " This can't be real, this is not real" I think in my head " I'm making this up". I look into the mirror with confusion. I'm slowly losing my grip on this world, my sanity slowly thinning out. As I stare at the mirror I see a blurry reflection behind me, it looks like James. I spin around, there's no one there. I run my hands through my hair, shaking my brain, trying to get it to work again. "I'm sleepwalking" I whisper to myself. I slowly walk back to my bed and collapse under the sheets, as I fade back to sleep. I hear the sheets being pulled up and my face being caressed and a voice "I'm still here". /p

pI wake up, I look over at the alarm. 12:30am. "Shit", I yell out and scurry out of the bed. Then I realized it's Saturday, no work today and I breathe a sigh of relief. The job is not much of a job, but it's still a job. Was that a dream last night? I don't know anymore and I put fresh clothes on, brush my teeth and head out to the closest Starbucks for a coffee hit and maybe if I'm hungry a double choc-chip muffin. Its hard for me to go out anymore, I see his face and hear his voice everywhere, but I still try. I lock the apartment door and take the steep stairs down. The run-down apartment is old but it has a homely feel to it. I only see the owner when he wants rent and I usually keep on it, so he doesn't bug me like he does with the others. The walls are a boring beige and the entire building screams plain but it works and its cheap. I walk out into the city streets and I feel the sun hit on my face. It the most amazing sensation, to have the sun envelope the face. I love it, I head into the coffee scented shop and take my scarlet coat off and hang it on the coat rack. I order my coffee and decide not to eat and I sit down on the brittle, sturdy chair and read the 3 month old newspaper splayed out in front of me. "Lovely day isn't it"? I look up and there's James, his dark curly hair, his gorgeous dimpled smile "James"? I ask, "Excuse me" James says, but he wasn't, this man had brown eyes instead of piercing blue hazel. "Oh,sorry thought you were someone else". I reply back shyly. The man chuckled "Honey you can call me whatever you want", and walked away. I smile to myself, that's probably the funniest thing that has happened to me for a while. I grab my coffee and sit back down. "He's no good for you", I hear and whip my head around but there's no one around and I sit down and focus on the delicious coffee. I've nearly finished when I hear a familiar voice, I look up and there's Miles and Davy talking to each other. "Miles, Davy" I call out and they both see me and smile. Davy comes and hugs me first, "Hey Kelly, how you doing ?, you look great". Davy is always so kind and gentle, he just likes to help other people. He was amazing to James at the road trip we had, carrying him, giving him medicine. We all took turns looking after James but Davy was the main carer and I was the comforter. The one who held James when he was scared, the one who gave him a relationship experience before he died. And i'll never regret it. "I'm doing great, thanks Davy, how are you doing Miles"? Miles just stood there, cold as usual, don't know how he got Rebecca but he did. " I'm alright, thanks Kelly", in that always professional tone. Davy was scruffy, as usual but it was the best look on him. His long hair falling into his eyes, the smell of faint cigarettes wafting of his clothes. Miles however looked as pristine as ever, his blonde hair coifed back and he smelt of aftershave and cologne. "So where's Bill?, i asked, " He's at the clinic, with Abbey for the ultrasound" Miles said. We all sat down and ordered coffee and I decided to order that muffin after all. We haven't seen each other since the funeral so it was great to see them again and somehow I just feel that James is watching us and smiling, with a tear trickling down his eye./p


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After coffee, all of us went out behind Starbucks for a cigarette. I only really started after the funeral, but it helps so much. The wind was picking up so I hugged my coat even tighter around myself, wishing I also brought my scarf and beanie with me.

I unlock the woody, rust-coated door and step into my cold, dank apartment. My apartment's almost empty, apart from the fridge, the table, the kitchen, the TV and the couch. I don't have a lot of furniture but then again with just one person it's not really needed.

I take my coat and put it on the rack in the closet, when something falls to the floor. It's a photo from my 21st birthday; it seems so long ago now. I looked so happy back then, so alive and free. In the photo we were all sitting down with our arms around each other and my face pushed up against James's chest.

He was so healthy back then, so full of strength and energy. It's only been a year since he's gone, but in this photo he looked so happy, if only he knew what his would be. The cancer was swift and quick; it wasn't long before he deteriorated. Before he started guzzling down morphine and using a cane, before he grew weak and thin.

I wish I told him years before he died how I really felt about him. I can't believe I only told him that week at Barafundle Bay. "I always knew", a voice pops out at me", I turn around and there's no one there. "James", I scream out. "Is that you"? I turn around and James is right there in front of me.

He's still wearing the clothes he had on when he drowned but there's something different about him. He looks so much healthier, the colouring gone back onto his face. His stance has even changed, he's not hunching into himself anymore, and he's tall. James is absolutely beautiful.

"Hello, love" he says in that gorgeous baritone voice of his.

I am absolutely shocked, here is James who I saw go in the water alive and come back out in Miles arms is here in front of me.

"But you're dead, I saw you dead in Miles arms" I say in a tone of disbelief.

"I decided it wasn't my time to leave yet", he whispers

"I cradled you in my arms, the police had to pry me off you because I wouldn't let go", I was crying by then, my voice slowly rising.

He starts to move closer, as I start to move away.

"Yes and that's why I had to stay, as I started moving towards the stars, I heard your cry and…" James voice starts to crack and I look into his gorgeous tear-filled eyes. I hated it when James cried; he used to look so tragically beautiful. I just wanted to hold him and kiss all those tears away and I usually did.

I couldn't even speak, I was so shocked.

"So what are you now then"? I cautiously asked.

"I don't know, but I'm going to stay and I'm going to be with you", James shyly smiled at me.

"Can anyone else see you", I asked.

"No, just you for the moment" James inched a little bit closer. I stood still.

"But why me, why not Davy or Miles or Bill", I asked.

James inched closer, now he was so close to me. He lifted his arms and he cupped my face. I could feel his touch, I could feel his hands cupping my face and they were strong hands.

"Because you were the one who comforted me the most, you were the one who held my hand and kissed my lips and cradled me when I hurt the most. You gave me the one experience I truly wanted and that was love, I just wanted to feel love before I died and you gave me that. "

James very slowly brought his lips down. I couldn't, I pushed him away and at the same time amazed that I can actually touch him.

"No", I cried

"This can't be real, it can't be, you're dead, and you're dead". I was full on crying, my hands in my hair and I just kept repeating "you're dead, you're dead".

James rushed over and cradled me, "I'm not dead, but I'm not alive either" and he started stroking my hair.

That's when I broke down.  
"GO AWAY", I screamed at him

"LEAVE ME ALONE"

I pushed against him, and he let me loose. I looked up into his eyes, his face streaked with tears.

"But, Kelly" he whispered

"GO AWAY, STOP HAUNTING ME, PLEASE IT HURTS TOO MUCH".

I fell on the floor, sobbing, crying and rocking back and forth.

I don't know how long I was there, but I looked up and James was gone.

And that made me cry even more.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I stayed on that floor for Lord knows how long.

I couldn't move, couldn't do anything. I literally could not move.

My mind is racing with a million thoughts. How could this be possible? Is my mind playing tricks on me? He looked so real, He spoke, I felt his touch. The human brain cannot create that identical of a person, so was it real? Did this actually happen? Because if this did, I'm going to have to rethink about what I believe in.

I slowly get up, my legs like lead. My heart heavy with sorrow, my mind clouded by disbelief. I walk slowly to the bedroom and collapse on the bed. My eyes are sore and puffy from crying, my face is dry and red. My lips are swollen and taste like salt. I fall asleep within seconds.

The night was cool and breezy, the fire rising up and down like a phoenix. We were all lying around the fire, sharing a joint. "So what do think happens when we die"? James randomly said. James was looking so tired by then, so weak. I just looked at him and I knew, he was tired of life. He was tired of the pain, the morphine, he was tired of living.

"I hope there is a God, up there, just waiting" Davy said, almost dreamily.

"I don't know" Bill said, just staring up at the clouds.

"I believe there's nothing, just that our arses rot in our casket and that's it" Miles said in his always moody voice.

"I want to be dancing up in the stars, just dancing in random itness" James said in a slurry voice, his morphine must be kicking in.

"I believe you get what you believe, if you believe there's nothing, you get nothing. If you believe there is a tunnel, there will be" I said confidently.

"And I also think we should stop talking this, isn't this meant to be a happy trip for James? Why are we talking about this, Why…"

I couldn't take it any longer. Seeing James with his curly brown hair and his stunning blue-green eyes, I don't think I can cope without him. I walk off towards the beach, my wind whipping in my hair. Tears that I was holding back finally pour out of my eyes and onto my face.

I sit down on the smooth sandy beach. The moon reflecting the ocean and casting its silhouette onto my face. The waves crashed back into oblivion and slowly came forward and caressed the sand. I wish I could've told James sooner, but I was always too afraid, too scared. I start throwing sand towards the ocean and wished the water would wash away my fear and my regret.

I feel a hand rub against my back, I turn and there's James standing there. His breaths gone all wheezy and he's heavily relying on his walking stick. "James, what are you doing", I exclaim and I help him sit down on the wet sand. I give him my black coat that's 2 sizes too big for me but fits him perfectly. I drape it around his shoulders, his starts to slide it off.

"James, no"

"But it's cold"

"No, you need it more than I do, so keep it"

He then turns to me, and he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you ok Kelly"? He asks in a sincere voice.

I look at him, his eyes full of sincerity. His face is starting to look gaunt, he barely eats anymore. I need to tell him before its too late.

I kiss him hard on the lips, his lips dry and his breath tainted with morphine. I cradle his face, I stroke his cheek. I try to keep as much of his essence as I could. He finally realizes what's happening and kisses me back. James was my first kiss and he'll probably be my last, he grabs my hip. I pull away first.

"I love you, I have for a long time and I'm so sorry I've only had the guts to tell you now, I just thought I'd have more time with you but…." I trail off and start crying.

He pushes me against his body, using his core strength to support me. I hug his waist, careful not to lean against his legs. I hug him so tight, I don't want to let go. I don't want to lose him; there's hasn't been enough time. While I hug him, I kiss his neck, his face. I leave a trail of tears where those kisses once laid, I smell his skin. He just lets me do what I want; he just strokes my hair and whispers quiet noises in my ear. I finally kiss his lips, more hungry this time. I open my mouth a little wider and i let my tongue trace a little on his lips. He moans, oh his voice is so beautiful. That's what I've always loved about him. His unruly, silk hair and his gorgeous, sexy voice.

We pull away.

"It's time to be heading back, they'll get worried" I told James.

"Yeah" he groans

I grab him by the waist and pull him up onto his feet; he grabs my body and leans against it. I start walking him and me back to the tent.

"Wait" James says tiredly.

I still hold his waist, he lets go of me. I grab his waist even tighter; he puts his hands of either side of my face and gives me a long, lingering kiss. I started to cry, my tears flowing down his fingers and he would very gently wipe the tears away.

"I love you too, Kelly".

I gave him the biggest smile I could ever give, and in return he smiled back. His eyes crinkling at the edges and in that one time, he looked so young and innocent.

When we arrived at the tent, no one said anything but I guess they kind of knew from the way we were still holding each other.

When we finally settled in for the night, I slept next to James. That was already my position anyway, just in case if he was in pain or cried out during the night. I would be there to hold him and kiss his tears away. When the other boys were asleep, I stroked his face and his hair. Halfway through the night, he awakened and smiled at me. Then very quietly and very gently kissed my nose, then we fell asleep in the huddled, cold tent.

I woke up to my silent bedroom apartment. It was 10:00 pm and for once I actually wanted to go back to sleep, rather than wake up.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The photo on the ground is in tatters, the memory on the photo is long gone. The floor is now covered in bits of blue and green. The scissors are still in my hand, the memory slowly going away.

I want all memory of that beach gone, all memory of the cancer gone. All the tears, the anxiety, depression….all gone. I want only memories of James before, before his sickness. The feisty, funny and affectionate James.

Before I met James, I was a lonely girl. A girl who would go to bed and cry all night, a girl whose heart was filled with so much despair and sorrow and pain that she hunched from so much weight.

A girl who craved passion and affection, a girl who desired just for someone to hold her, to cradle her face and run their fingers through her hair.

I met James at a library actually, I was 18 he was 24. I would go to the library every day after school because I had nothing else to do. James would come in every day, go on his laptop and then leave. Every day I would watch him and admire his beauty. I was watching him that day, he was sitting across from me and I would just stare at his glorious face.

His face was long and pale. He didn't have a much defined jawline but his high cheekbones made up for that. He had really small eyes, but they were piercing. They were light hazel, a swirl of blue and green. He had a wide, undefined nose and had really small but accentuated lips with a heavily enhanced cupid's bow and a small, square bottom lip.

"You know if you want to date, why didn't you just say so"? I heard those words.

"Huh"? I replied.

"You know what I said" he said to me in a smirk and a sly look.

I went back to reading, I was a shy girl then but I had a faint smile upon my face. James got up and he sat next to me.

"I see you watching me every day; it's nice I admit that but then it just gets creepy after a while"

"Sorry, I didn't think you notice"

"I notice everything"

I didn't say anything after that and then I felt him watching me, with those piercing eyes of his, His mahogany brown curly, messy hair fell into his eye and that made more mysterious and beautiful.

"So, do you want to go out for a coffee"? I heard him say in that velvet baritone voice of his.

"What"?

"I said do you want to go out for a coffee"

"Why"?

"Because I see you in here day in, day out watching me and obviously that's mean you must be curious about me"

"I don't even know you're name, how do I know you're not a serial killer"

"You don't" and then his voice went really seductive that brought shivers down my spine.

"But if I were, you would still come with me anyway and the name is James Kimberley Griffith by the way"

"Kelly Saunders but I don't have any money"

"I'll pay for you"

"But why you don't even know me"  
"More the reason to have coffee with you and besides I like you anyway"

"Ok"

We went to the nearest coffee shop and he was amazing. He talked to me like I knew him forever and he would tell me everything about himself. He didn't care that I was 18, didn't care that I was a lonely girl without any friends. Didn't care at all.

I fell in love with him that day; he awakened my soul and lifted my spirits. He brought light to my eyes and a glow to my skin. When we finished he offered to drive me home and so he did.

When he stopped outside my house I turned to him.

"Thank you for today James that was really great and I owe you" and I gave him a small smile.

"No you don't, you're company is what you owe me"

And then he did something that I'd never forget, he'd grabbed my big, stocky hands and put them in his pale, slender, long hands and looked me in my eyes with sincerity and warmth.

"I know you don't have anyone to go to when you're sad or hurt, so whenever you want to just hang out or whenever you're sad, just call me. Call me and I'll be here for you anytime. I really felt in needed to see you today, this urge just told me to go over and talk to you and I'm glad I did. Coz you're really amazing"

He grabbed my hand and wrote his number down and I couldn't stop the trickle of tear down my eye. He looked at my tear and just wiped it away with a brush of his slim, pale finger.

"Oh and tomorrow when you see me at the library, don't watch me like you usually do. Please talk to me" I nodded and with that I got out of his car and walked back into my house with a massive smile and an uplifted heart.

I'm on the ground now with the next picture in my hands waiting to be cut up. As I cut slowly into it, I feel the scissor being wrenched from my hand and flung across the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

The scissors hit the wall and cut in two.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Kelly"! I hear a baritone voice scream at me.

James is there in front of me, with a cold stare. He was still wearing the clothes he died in, His body still thin and frail.

"Why are you even here, James? Shouldn't you be dancing with the stars and be surrounded by complete it-ness, like you said" I said in a serious tone.

"Why are you even here? Why?

"Because I came back ok, I didn't want to go. Not just yet"

I looked at him in disbelief, my body starting to fill with rage.

"Didn't want to go eh? Well if you didn't want to go, why did you purposefully drown yourself and make us watch huh? Do you have any idea what I went through, what Bill and Davy went through? What Miles went through? Miles had to help you kill yourself, James. He had to hold you down and watch while the air got ripped out of your lungs and your soul slowly went. And now, now you decide that maybe you didn't want to leave after all".

"I'm sorry ok, why do you think I came back in the first place? I saw how my death affected you and Davy and Bill and Miles especially".

Tears started to pour out of James beautiful eyes, caressing his skin. Staining the floor and there were stains on the floorboards. Water drops; perfectly fit the size of a tear.

"I saw you crying at the funeral, I saw you not sleep for days on end. I saw you at the police when they questioned my death, I saw you so broken and wasted away. I saw Davy collapse on the sand, I saw Bill cry out until his voice got hoarse and I saw Miles shake and twitch with shock. I had to come back, I had to. There was no other choice."

James stopped talking and bowed his head. I could see his shoulders shake and hear his breath quiver up and down. More tears hit the floor, more water on the floorboards.

I walked to him, slowly, carefully and placed my hand on the side of his face. I gasped at the touch, his skin was like ice, and you could see the faint outline of blue veins on his temple. His skin felt smooth and marbleised and almost translucent. He looked down at me, his eyes tired and bloodshot. He looked like he'd being crying a lot; my thumb was at the corner of his blue-tinged lips. I felt a tear hit my thumbnail, bobbing on my skin. I lifted my thumb to my face, just to get a closer look at it. Then suddenly it hit me, this tear was real. James wouldn't be crying real tears if he weren't here, in this time, in the presence. James brushed my cheek with a soft, gentle finger and on it was a little tear. I didn't realize I was crying.

James held my face, my hand still against his and kissed my eyelids. Brushing away any tears that escaped, I could feel his touch, I could smell him. He smelt like seawater and sand, his breath smelt like morphine and cough medicine. I wound my fingers through his short, silk hair and I wrapped my arms around him. I clung to him how I would cling to Mother Earth, I put my face in his chest and breathed him in, soaking his presence. I was still crying and my tears stained his chambray shirt, I started kneading his hair and stroking his hair. My other arm still tightly wrapped his back, I kissed his neck lightly. I needed his touch on my lips; I kissed the corner of his mouth. I felt his tears on my face.

He lifted my head so I could look at him; his face was covered in tear stains. He brought his lips to mine and gave them the softest of kisses, it lasted a second. I kissed him back, his feather touch lips lingering on mine. He pulled away ever so slightly and kissed the corner of my mouth, and he moved his lips an inch and kissed that bit of skin, and again and again. Until he was at my ear, he kissed my earlobe and whispered "I'll never leave you, I'll be back soon", his hand was still on my face and his other hand was gently rubbing circles on my back. And with a touch and a kiss he was gone.

Tears still stained the floorboards, remnants of tears still lingered on my face. A smattering of tears was still on my pale shirt. A trail of ice lingered on the skin he kissed. His smell still hung in the air. His kiss still held on my lips. I touched my face and wondered if this actually happened but the facts were too obvious.

This wasn't a dream. This was real.

Chapter 4

The scissors hit the wall and cut in two.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Kelly"! I hear a baritone voice scream at me.

James is there in front of me, with a cold stare. He was still wearing the clothes he died in, His body still thin and frail.

"Why are you even here, James? Shouldn't you be dancing with the stars and be surrounded by complete it-ness, like you said" I said in a serious tone.

"Why are you even here? Why?

"Because I came back ok, I didn't want to go. Not just yet"

I looked at him in disbelief, my body starting to fill with rage.

"Didn't want to go eh? Well if you didn't want to go, why did you purposefully drown yourself and make us watch huh? Do you have any idea what I went through, what Bill and Davy went through? What Miles went through? Miles had to help you kill yourself, James. He had to hold you down and watch while the air got ripped out of your lungs and your soul slowly went. And now, now you decide that maybe you didn't want to leave after all".

"I'm sorry ok, why do you think I came back in the first place? I saw how my death affected you and Davy and Bill and Miles especially".

Tears started to pour out of James beautiful eyes, caressing his skin. Staining the floor and there were stains on the floorboards. Water drops; perfectly fit the size of a tear.

"I saw you crying at the funeral, I saw you not sleep for days on end. I saw you at the police when they questioned my death, I saw you so broken and wasted away. I saw Davy collapse on the sand, I saw Bill cry out until his voice got hoarse and I saw Miles shake and twitch with shock. I had to come back, I had to. There was no other choice."

James stopped talking and bowed his head. I could see his shoulders shake and hear his breath quiver up and down. More tears hit the floor, more water on the floorboards.

I walked to him, slowly, carefully and placed my hand on the side of his face. I gasped at the touch, his skin was like ice, and you could see the faint outline of blue veins on his temple. His skin felt smooth and marbleised and almost translucent. He looked down at me, his eyes tired and bloodshot. He looked like he'd being crying a lot; my thumb was at the corner of his blue-tinged lips. I felt a tear hit my thumbnail, bobbing on my skin. I lifted my thumb to my face, just to get a closer look at it. Then suddenly it hit me, this tear was real. James wouldn't be crying real tears if he weren't here, in this time, in the presence. James brushed my cheek with a soft, gentle finger and on it was a little tear. I didn't realize I was crying.

James held my face, my hand still against his and kissed my eyelids. Brushing away any tears that escaped, I could feel his touch, I could smell him. He smelt like seawater and sand, his breath smelt like morphine and cough medicine. I wound my fingers through his short, silk hair and I wrapped my arms around him. I clung to him how I would cling to Mother Earth, I put my face in his chest and breathed him in, soaking his presence. I was still crying and my tears stained his chambray shirt, I started kneading his hair and stroking his hair. My other arm still tightly wrapped his back, I kissed his neck lightly. I needed his touch on my lips; I kissed the corner of his mouth. I felt his tears on my face.

He lifted my head so I could look at him; his face was covered in tear stains. He brought his lips to mine and gave them the softest of kisses, it lasted a second. I kissed him back, his feather touch lips lingering on mine. He pulled away ever so slightly and kissed the corner of my mouth, and he moved his lips an inch and kissed that bit of skin, and again and again. Until he was at my ear, he kissed my earlobe and whispered "I'll never leave you, I'll be back soon", his hand was still on my face and his other hand was gently rubbing circles on my back. And with a touch and a kiss he was gone.

Tears still stained the floorboards, remnants of tears still lingered on my face. A smattering of tears was still on my pale shirt. A trail of ice lingered on the skin he kissed. His smell still hung in the air. His kiss still held on my lips. I touched my face and wondered if this actually happened but the facts were too obvious.

This wasn't a dream. This was real.


	6. Chapter 6

pI blink for a couple of minutes, not moving, just blinking. I cant believe this is happening, I cant believe he was in my apartment. I can still feel his ice-cold touch on my lips, I still feel that damp patch on my shoulder from where his tears were./p

p /p

p /p

pIts cold, too cold. I have to warm up, warm up or freeze. I turn the shower on and hastily take my clothes off, I step and immediately my body untightens. My body is loose and supple. Goosebumps raise on my skin from where the hot water hits my freezing, frozen body. My eyes blur, my brain covered in fog and for once I'm in complete oblivion. I absolutely love it. The water drips down my arms and forms little teardrops from my fingers. So now my fingers look like they're crying. I stay there until the hot water runs out and my mind cant think or see anything but blankness./p

p /p

pI slowly walk of the shower, my mind fizzed with emptiness and steam. I go and lay on my bed, I look at my clock. "1:30"pm, I put my head on the pillow, shut my eyes and drift off to another world, another memory./p

p /p

p /p

pIt was James 29th birthday. We were at his parent's glorious manor house, the sun was shining. Nothing went wrong, this was the day before we went on the trip and the last full day he'd be with his family. Thinking about it, I should have urged him to be with his parents, talk with his sister. He just sat outside the entire day, gazing up at the sun with his suit and brown fedora hat. I remember laughing to myself when he first came out, "He looks something like an old gangster movie" I laughed to myself. Even though he was thin and weak, he was still beautiful. Never complained once that entire day, not even with how much he walked or people asking him" Are you ok"? " Do you want to talk about it"?. He just smiled, politely said "I'm fine, thanks". Miles went out to talk to him, I tried to distract myself by helping with the kids but it didn't work. I was the most casual-looking person there. Cardi, jeans, hair in ponytail, minimal makeup. When Miles was gone, I went outside to talk to James. He was sitting in the chair, the sun adding beauty to his face. I just stared at the side of his face for a while, leaning against the doorframe./p

p /p

p"You know I can feel you staring at me right"? James said in a misschievous tone./p

pI was surprised, but I really shouldn't be though. He always sought me out./p

p"Its just...I don't know, it looked like you were having a moment and I didn't want to disturb you"/p

pI secretly wanted to tell James that he looked absolutely beautiful and that I just wanted to see his face as much as possible. Of course I couldn't./p

p" You know you can actually talk to me right"? He looked at me with those piercing light hazel eyes of his./p

p"Yeah"./p

p /p

pI walked to him, cradled his face with my hand and kissed his cheek./p

p"You looking good today, handsome" I cheekily said to him./p

p" Well I tried my best" James mumbled tiredly./p

p"Why don't you rest, you sound worn out" I concernedly said./p

p" Because I want to appreciate this day, before the end"/p

p"Yeah, but you have loads of time left"/p

p" I just want to soak it in anyway, so I have a good memory of this, of everyone, of everything"/p

pI let that last sentence go, because he tends to get philosophical at times. I should have known he was in the moment, because it would be his last full moment before he died./p

p /p

pThe music was getting slow now, it was Ed Sheeran's "Give Me Love", this was one of my favourite song's. I love the lyrics and the sound. I shut up and I felt the song boost my heart and raise my endorphins./p

p /p

pI feel a slight touch on my shoulder, I open my eyes to see James with his arms out in my direction. I give him a look as if to say "Huh"./p

p" Dance with me, I know how much you love this song"/p

p"Are you sure"/p

p"Come on"/p

pI look at him with fear in my eyes, fear of hurting him but he gives a "Please" look. I wind my hands into his and he pulls me onto my feet./p

pHe wraps my hand around my waist, and we hold hands. My hand is around his back to give him support./p

p  
strongGive a little time to me, we burn the south/strong  
/p

p  
strongwe'll play hide and seek, to turn this round/strong  
/p

p  
strongAll I want is the taste your lips allow/strong  
/p

p  
strongMy, my give me love,/strong  
/p

p  
strongMy, my give me love/strong  
/p

pWe just swayed and swayed, looking into each other's eyes/p

p  
strongNo, I just wanna hold you/strong  
/p

pAt the lyric I put my head in his chest and wrap my arms even more. He lets me and then wraps his arms around me and buries his head in my shoulder./p

pWe swayed, barely moving but that was one of the most intimate and beautiful moments I ever experienced with him./p

p /p

pI wish we were able to have another moment


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up and feel a presence behind me. Literally behind me, I look over and there's James next to me, asleep. He's probably faking it, I don't know. I'm not sure if spirits can even sleep or not. I turn over and stare at him, he looks so real like he's actually here. If I hadn't known how he died, I'd swear he was still here. Still alive, still breathing, still same old James.

It's him but it's not really him. He's lost his warmness, his skin's cold and white. His lips are a faint blue, his veins pop out from his translucent skin. I reach out to touch his face, his face is cold and slightly damp. Like he's slowly drying from the drowning. He open his eyes and looks at me with ferocious intensity, his eyes are a light ocean blue. The colour of the water he drowned in. Images fill my head, the goodbye, the kiss, the drowning, the nothingness. It hits me like a truck, I feel my face change for a second. I see a flicker of pain in James eyes. I think there was pain in mine too, I feel tears well up and betray how I feel. No matter how hard your body hides your feelings, your eyes betray everything.

I try to turn away but James reaches out and cradles my face with his hand, keeping me there, holding me there. Forcing me to tell him everything with my eyes. He looks at me with those intense eyes and searches everything inside me like how a blind person searches a face with his hands, he does with his eyes.

I can't bear those eyes anymore, they burn into me. Tear up my soul, ruin my heart. I shut my eyes, I think to myself "He's not going to stay forever, he has to go sometime". I don't want him to go. I feel a soft touch against my lips, I open my eyes and I see James thumb brush against my lips. It sends shivers down my body, because his touch is so cold and also because this is what he used to do. Every time he saw me, he'd brush my lips with his thumb. I never knew why but he always communicated with touch. He always believed that touch always told more than words. I always believed him and I still believe it.

"Why do you always remember that moment"? James said softly and with a hint of pain.

"Because its the only memory I cant forget" I whispered.

"But its the memory that tortures you the most" James said.

" Then why did you do it" I ask and I knew this would hurt him but I needed to know.

He clambered out of bed and looks at me.

" I was in pain Kelly, I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't bear the morphine, I couldn't bear the isolation of the cancer. I didn't want to keep going, I couldn't keep going. I'd go to bed in agony and I'd wake up in agony. All I could feel was the pain in my legs, all I could taste was the morphine. The only thing I could see was no end. I thought death was the only way out. "

I could feel anger rising through my body, I stormed out of the bed. My voice quickly raised.

" But why drowning? look I know it was because you wanted to fight but do you know how traumatic it was to see you drown. To see you thrash in the waves and not be able to save you. Do you know what we went through after the death? The police meetings, the funeral, the court case. We nearly were sent to jail for murder. Do you know how coped after your death. We didn't cope. Davy now lives in a shoddy apartment that he barely leaves. He took all photos of us down, Bill went to heroin to cope, Abby split with him and chose to raise his child alone. They only meet for ultrasound scans. He lost his job because he was shot up all the time, he's not coping. Miles was the worst, we used to walk past water and he would freeze and scream and start hallucinating. He was sent to a mental hospital on account of severe PTSD, he got out recently but he still has bad days. Do you know what I did after Miles carried your dead body on the shore. I held you and clung to you so hard that bruises showed up on your body. I was rocking back and forth holding you until the police showed up and when the police and told me to let go. I clung even more and started screaming and they had to pry me off you. All of us was on the sand clinging to each other and screaming while they put you in a body bag.

We didn't even have time to grieve. We were forced to pack everything up and head to the police station where we were forced to answer a million questions. We were forced to describe the situation that we just went through. They thought we murdered you James that or overdose. The police officers were so brutal and uncompassionate. After the questioning we had to ring up your parents and sister and tell them everything. We had to watch Rebecca and your parents break while we were torn apart ourselves. They screamed and shouted at us and said they hated us. We were forced to be called everything under the sun and had to take hits and punches. Your family hate us now, they believed what we did want right. That they should have had more time with you and they're absolutely right. You broke us James, you broke our friendship, you broke our lives. You broke everything. We all hated you for what you did, we all hated what you put us through. You held our friendship together James, I rarely see them anymore. We are dead inside and dead because of you.

I loved you and still do. I love you more than anything. I always did, you made me feel things that I never believed I would feel. You made me feel loved, that night in the tent. I don't regret that night at all. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the first time I met you. I'm sorry I only told you that week at the beach but you took our lives away with yours. And you will never bring them back".

I looked at him with despair. I felt an intense relief course through my veins. James just looked at me with intensity and pain. He took a step and a step until he was a centimetre away from me. Then he just collapsed in front of me.


	8. Chapter 8

pJames grab my waist and holds on with immense force. James crying into my stomach, i dont know what to do. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry. I didnt mean to. I had nowwhere else to go". He looks at me with his beautiful aquamarine eyes. He grabs my shirt and pulls me down, facing him. He grabs my face with his long, slender fingers and touches his forehead to mine. "I'm not going anywhere, ok honey". My body's torn in two, my heart says"Yes, stay i love you and i need more of you" but my head says" No, you're dead. How can this be"?./p

pHe kisses me, not a soft one but with passion and flame. His kiss brings me back to that night in the tent, his tears stain my lips. He strokes my face, like I'm something he,s always wanted and that finally got. He's still crying, his kiss getting deeper. His tongue tracing my lips, he becomes frantic. His hands trailing every inch of my body. I'm getting frantic too, my hands run through his hair. I know he loves it when I do that. I scrape my fingernails lightly at the base of his neck. He moans, I know what he likes. I know his pressure points. He lifts me up, quite easily I should say. He carries me to the bed. He gently lays me down, he kisses me more. I trace every inch of him, he feels the same, boney and I'll but he's different.

He can walk easily, he doesn't limp anymore. He doesn't tire easily anymore, he doesn't rely on the morphine. The light in his eyes is back

James is happy now. I feel my pants loosen. '' No'', I say. James just relaxes and lays on me his head on my chest. ''I knew you wouldn't, after all who'd have sex with a dead man''. I run my fingers through his hair. I used to love doing that, his chestnut brown hair was so beautiful and so soft. Everything about him was beautiful but my favourite par of him is his voice. That sexy baritone voice that sounded like velvet. That night in the tent, when he said my name. It was heavenly. ''You never know, if you love someone you will''. We stayed like that for a long time, ''C'mon, let's go get a coffee. I feel like going out''. I get up, brush my fingers through my hair and put on my most daring coat. A forest green shade, that brought out the green in my eyes. I only wore this coat when I was really happy or when I was in a daring mood. And I was in a really happy mood. '' I haven't seen you this happy in ages'' James says in a light voice. ''I haven't felt happy in ages. We head out, I lock the head out into the soul-refreshing sun.

''The suns nice isn't it''. ''Yeah, but I love the rain''. James rolled his eyes, ''I may be dead but I don't have dementia''. He touched his head, ''I remember''. We walked and we just have this mass conversation about life. ''So how's everyone going''? James asked. '' I don't know, i met them for coffee but that was a few weeks ago''. ''How come you don't talk to them anymore''?. '' They need you, how come you haven't stayed together, that's what friends do''. I stand dead in the street and face him.

''They were never my friends, they were yours. Miles, Davy and Bill never like me as much as you. When you died, I got kicked out. I didn't belong when were together, it just brought back too many memories.''. James wax silent for while, with a concentrated look. ''I never thought that would happen, my death was supposed to bring you closer, not apart.'' I was about to keep going but I shut my mouth. I didn't want to wreck this day. ''C'mon we're nearly there''. I started walking, when I stopped and realized.

People can't see James, they can only see me. Talking to thin air. People probably think I'm crazy. I finally see the look people give me, ''I can only see you can't I"?.  
"Yeah, unless I show myself". I roll my eyes, "Thanks James, people know my face and now they're i'm suffering schizo or PTSD". " We're here". I walk in and don't talk to James, talking to air in a crowded area, not something good to do". I order a cappuccino and a donut and I head walk to the park. James keeps talking to me but i Ignore it.

Finally I find a secluded area under a willow tree. Willow trees have healing, I sit down at the trunk and let the tree soak up all my bad energy. "That donut looks delicious", James said. "Yeah well your not gonna have any"

"I miss food, I miss cigarettes, I miss the flame of a bonfire. I miss everything". James said, his face looking up to the sun.  
" Yeah well you should have thought of that before you drowned yourself". I taunt James.  
"Yeah", James said in a quiet, timid voice.

I finally finish and I pull out a cigarette. I really rely on these, these days. I love the way they calm me down, make me oblivious. Break my thinking, I light it up and I suck it like it was air. " You should really quit, you know"?  
" Yeah well it was your fault you got me started"  
" Oh how I would kill for one"  
I inhale and drawback in his face. It wouldn't hurt him, he takes a long whiff.  
" Oh Kells stop torturing me" James yells out.

I start laughing, I laugh hard. James is laughing. We're both laughing, I haven't laughed this much since the bonfire we had.  
I stop laughing, I never told anyone this. This was one of my darkest secret. This was one of the main reasons I was tortured afterwards.

"You know I almost drowned once".


	9. Chapter 9

pJames looked shocked, "Really"?./p

p"Yeah". I say quietly./p

p"How"?./p

p"Here i go", i thought./p

p"I was seven at the time, i thought i could do anything. So i decided to swim in the deep-end. Bad mistake, nearly drowned before someone got me. Stopped breathing for a while, but was okay in the end. Didnt stop me from swimming though, only made me wanted to swim more"./p

p"Why"?/p

p"Coz i didnt want the water to get the better of me. I dont want my fears to control

"That's a good way to live" James chuckled

"Im a very stubborn person", I laughed.

Then I realized "I have to let you go soon, you don't belong here". I think James realized it too because he just smiled sadly at me.

I get up

"C'mon let's go" I grab his hand and pull him up and we head back to the apartment.

It's the afternoon, I get a text from Bill. I squeal, "ohmygod, Abbey's had a baby girl." James beamed, "that's great"

"C'mon we have to go to the hospital, let's go". Kelly grabbed her coat and headed out the door.

"Look James while we're here, do you think you'll show yourself to your friends"?/p


	10. Chapter 10

We were at the hospital, in the room with Clara, Bill and their newborn daughter./p

p /p

pBill was holding his daughter, he was laughing and crying at the same time. " Amelia Rose, 5 pounds'2 ounces". He smiled at the baby, Amelia was asleep with a happy look on his face. "Its true, we do carry on in our children. Look she looks exactly like me", Bill held her up proud and wide for everyone to see. Clara was asleep, with a beautiful smile on her face. Davy and Miles were just smiling and totally in awe with Amelia. "Thinking about having children Miles"?, Davy smirked./p

p /p

p"Naa mate, though Rebecca keeps going on about it" Miles quickly assured./p

p /p

p"So im guessing you don't want to hold her then", Bill said with a smirk on his face./p

p /p

p"No, no ill hold her", Miles said straightaway./p

p /p

pBill very gently put Amelia in Miles arms. Immediately Miles face lit up and an absolute awe filled up his face./p

p /p

p"And you say you don't wanna have children", Davy lightly accused./p

p /p

p"Shut up mate", Miles smirked "Though maybe having children might not be such a bad idea", he lightly added./p

p /p

pLittle did they know that James was in standing next to me, a warm but sad smile upon his face./p

p /p

p"She's beautiful", James whispered./p

p /p

p"Aye she is", I answered./p

p /p

p"What did you say"?, Bill asked./p

p /p

pI took a deep breath./p

p /p

p"James said that she's beautiful", I said carefully./p

p /p

pAll of them looked at me, "What", they all said in unison./p

p /p

p"James is here, he's standing next to me", I told them./p

p /p

pMiles looked at me with utter disbelief, while Bill and Davy looked at me with amazement. "Really"?, they shouted. Amelia moved, "Shussh, you'll wake her up", Miles said in a angry but hushed tone./p

p"Cant you feel him"?, I asked./p

pAll of them paused. "I do feel him", Davy said first. "Aye me too", Bill agreed./p

p"I don't feel anything at all", Miles quickly said./p

p /p

p"Because you don't choose too", I told Miles./p

p /p

pJames was crying now, "How come you can see him and we can't"?. Bill asked./p

p /p

p"Because I was the one he was closest too before he died, and I also believe too"/p

p /p

p"Whats he saying", Davy asked with shock./p

p /p

pJames was distraught, "Tell them, tell them I was wrong. Tell them that there is existence in life. Tell them I'm sorry for the hell I put them through. I thought there was nothing left for me, I thought that dying was the only option but now I look and it wasn't and I regret it so bad"/p

p /p

pI couldn't keep it in any longer, I started to cry. I looked at the three of them, my voice shook. "He said that he now regrets the drowning and he's sorry that he put you through so much after that happened. "At the time, he thought there was nothing left for him but he sees now that it wasn't and he really regrets it"./p

p /p

pMiles, Davy and Bill all had tears in their eyes./p

p /p

pJames kept going, "Miles, I see how well you look after my sister and I'm so happy for both of you and you're going to be a great dad, Also write about us"./p

p /p

pI looked at Miles, "He said that he knows how much you look after Rebecca and that he's happy for the both of you and that you're going to be a great dad, and too write about us". Miles, cold, heartless Miles was crying./p

pJames had a hand on his shoulder, "Its going to be fine mate"./p

p /p

p"He's touching your shoulder right now", I tell him./p

p /p

pMiles looks at his shoulder and touches it, "I can feel you James, Thank you and I miss you so much". Miles quivered./p

p /p

pJames looked sadly at Miles, tears brimming in his aquamarine eyes. "Miss you too", James mumbled./p

p /p

pJames looked at Davy, "Tell Davy he needs to keep helping people and that he needs to find his roots. His heart is so big and beautiful and I'm so thankful you were there for me that week, and that I miss him. James wrapped an arm around his back./p

p /p

pI look at Davy, "James says that you need to keep helping people and find you're roots. He says that your heart is so big and beautiful and that he's really thankful that you were there for him that week and that he misses you"./p

pDavy's eyes were closed and tears were streaming down his face. "I can feel you James and i miss you too", Davy murmured./p

p /p

pJames walked to Bill and put a hand in his hair. "Tell Bill that he's going to be an amazing father and that i regret now that i wont live on through my kids. So treasure her because she's absolutely beautiful and that i miss him too"/p

p /p

pI look at Bill, "James says that you're going to be an amazing father and that he regrets that he wont live on through his kids, so treasure your daughter because she's absolutely beautiful, and he also misses you"./p

pBill is smiling with a twinkle in his eye, "I feel you James and that i miss you too"/p

p /p

pJames walked over to the sleeping beauty in Miles's arms, he bent down and kissed her forehead. Amelia smiled."Shes special", James soothed. I then remembered something. "You know what day it is today, don't you", I asked./p

pThey all looked at one another and then realized, "Its James birthday today, 30 years old today"/p

p /p

pJames smiled, "I have one final message for you, as its the anniversary of my birth. I now hold a morphine toast to you all", James holds an imaginary glass" and remember that you were loved by me and that you made my life a happy one and there's no tragedy in that", James smiled, whispered "Thank you" in my ear and left./p

p /p

pI smiled, i cried, i laughed. "James has one final message for you, he says that as it is the anniversary of his birth, he holds a morphine toast to you all and remember that you were loved by him and that you made his life a happy one and there's no tragedy in that"/p

p /p

pWe all looked at each other with shock, then we burst out laughing and we did that for a few seconds and soon after our faces twitched and we started crying. We talked about James, we talked about Amelia and we talked about the happy times in life./p

p /p

pAnd i felt James there too, laughing and smiling and in that one moment life wasn't a tragedy. It was perfection./p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p


	11. Chapter 11

pIt was getting late, I kissed everyone goodbye and headed back home./p

p /p

pI held Amelia in my arms, she was beautiful. I touched her little fingers and toes, i smelt her face. I really feel sorry for James, his line of generation had ended. Apart from his sister, know one will remember him. Noone will carry on his legacy, noone will know his name./p

pJames wasnt at my apartment, i couldn't feel his presence. That was ok though, i needed time alone. I sat at the table and had a cigarette, i thought about what my children looked like and, if i had them with James what a good parent he would've been. Flashes of the tent scene filled my mind. I let my mind slowly wander back to that amazing night. It was a cold night and Davy, Miles and Bill had decided to sleep under the stars. It was already planned out what would happen, it was my gift to James before he died. "Where's everyone gone", James asked looking around. I was so nervous, I've never done anything like this before. The boys wanted James to have every experience before he died so they asked me, even though I was little taken aback and felt strangely cheap, I was happy to give him what he wanted. "The boys have decided to sleep out tonight", I asked nervously. "Its just going to be you and me". "Oh", James looked down, even though he wasn't told I guess he kind of knew. "I guess we should go back to the tent then", Kelly kinda mumbled. "Yeah", James mumbled. I help James up and we stagger back to the tent, I gently help James down onto the sleeping bag. I sit next to him and take of shirt, leaving me in jeans and singlet. I scootch closer to James, clasp his face with my hand and kissed him deeply. James puts his hands on my back and kisses me back, I pull his jacket off and take his shoes and socks off. I keep kissing him, not sure what to do. Even though I was in my early 20s back then, I had no experience whatsoever. I completely went off instinct, I pulled James shirt off and kiss his neck. James abruptly pushes me away slightly, his arms are still on and he look at me with concern, "No, Kelly im sorry" and he starts getting up. Kelly hold James down, " Why, Have I done something wrong"/p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p"No Kelly its just, Are you sure you want to do this", James worriedly asked./p

p /p

p"I do, I really want you", I look down. "Ive always wanted to experience this with you". I mumble shyly./p

p /p

pJames tilted my head up and kissed me gently on the lips. I pull away slightly, "Um I warn you im not really experienced in this", I mutter./p

p /p

p"Its ok, Im a little bit rusty as well. Im not going to be as good as I usually am", James smirked./p

p /p

pI laugh and kiss him. I run my fingers through his hair, I kiss his collarbones. I run my fingers across his stomach, for someone who had cancer. He had a defined, lean stomach. His body was taut and lean with the tiniest of bones peeping through. His body was glorious and beautiful./p

p /p

pI pull James and my pants off, I huddle into the sleeping bag with him. He kept touching my lips,stroking my face, my collarbones, my body. It was like he was trying to take on as much as he can of a woman's body./p

p /p

pI cover him with the sleeping bag, I gently touch him. Not wanting to hurt him, "I don't want to hurt you", I whisper. James looks at me with deep love, "Don't worry love you wont". I keep kissing him and caressing his skin and the world swam around me in a bliss of love and ecstasy./p

p /p

pI wake up next to him, he's asleep in my arms. I look at his smiling face. Last night was beautiful, James treated me like I was gold. I tried to be so gentle and thankfully I didn't hurt him. He was passionate and controlled, he let me have my way. He was amazing, he knew exactly what to do. I now knew the concept of making love, you actually make love. It hurtles itself around you, it embeds in your skin. Controls your mind, sees through your eyes./p

p /p

pI close my eyes and rest my chin against James head, I wake up to a touch on my neck and waist. James is covering my neck with soft kisses, I look down at him. "Hi", he smiles ad kisses me deeply. I cradle his face, "You were bloody amazing last night", James exasperated. "Well I tried my best", I shrugged. Just then James face was wracked with pain and he cries out, I quickly get up, "Hold on". I get the morphine kit and hold the bottle to James lips, he drinks and then his face is slack again. "Thank you", he whimpered. I stroke his face and calm him more./p

p /p

pMy memory ends, I'm back at my dodgy apartment, only this time James was sitting across from me. "Having good memories", James smiled. "Yeah the tent scene"./p

p /p

pJames smiled, "That was probably the best memory I currently have"./p

p"Yeah me too", I smiled./p

p /p

pJames leant over and kissed me, his lips just touching mine./p

p /p

pI kissed him back holding the moment./p

p /p

p /p


	12. Chapter 12

pJames is n the bed next to me, staring at my face and massaging my hand with his thumb. I smile at him, my feet intertwined with his. He looks different, he doesn't look as ...dead. His lips werent blue anymore, his eyes weren't so faded. His skin wasn't as cold, he didn't look and feel frail and worn anymore. James looked alive my face fell. "I have to let you go", I thought. "You don't belong here". I get up and put my robe on, I walk into the kitchen and pick up a cigarette and walk out. I lock the door behind me and walk in my robe to the cementary./p

p /p

p /p

pI pick a rose on he way there, I stop in front of James,s grave. I put the rose down on his grave, I see James sit next to me and look at me./p

p"Why are you doing this", James said, his voice hurt./p

p"I have to let you go James", I tremble/p

p"But why, why Kelly" James voice was breaking now./p

p"Because you don't belong here anymore", I didn't look at him.

"I can still be here", James said softly

"No you can't, you made that decision long ago to leave" A tear slid down my cheek.

"But I don't want to go" James cried.

"I'm sorry but you have too" I whimpered.

"NO PLEASE DON'T" James cried

I looked at his grave, it was black with just his name on it and his dob and dod.

"I love you James, I always will" Tears were staining the gravel "But I have to let you go. I have to move on, otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of my life not moving, always think of you and I can't do that to myself". I put the rose at the tip of his stone. I get up, "I'll miss you, I'll never forget your laugh, your smile, everything. I love. Bye"

I hear him crying and begging, I will him out of my mind the only way I know. I think of the day he died.

We're at the beach. I watch Bill lean on James back. James looked so sick, so frail that day. He slowly gets up and says good bye to each of us, he hugs Davy. He speaks to Bill, he comes to me. I start to cry, James tilts my chin up so I look at him. "Thank you so much for what you gave me, never let go of what we've had". I kiss him, I kiss him passionately. I need to remember this  
My chin trembles, his lips taste like salt. He pulls away and smiles at me "Do you want me to come in with you"? I whimper. James shakes his head "I want to remember me how I was last night". I nod James smiles at me and he enters the water, we go in as well but only a few centimetres. Davy almost drowns, so me and Bill save him and cling onto him back at the shore. Miles stays with him and we see James laughing and smiling. He waves goodbye at us, I cry and cling onto Davy. We see James go underneath the water, we see him splash and writhe. He goes down.

And he doesn't come up.

I walk away, James is not here anymore. I can't feel his presence. I wipe my eyes and head home. I smoke along the way, I head to bedroom and grab all the photos of James and us and put them in a box. I shove the box all the way behind the cupboard. I make a cup of coffee and sit at the table and think about what to do from then on.

Life gets better from now on/p


	13. Chapter 13

p5 years later/p

p /p

pI look at James grave, I kneel at his stone. Its been a long time since I've been here and a lot has changed./p

pMy boys are here with me, my twins. They look exactly like James with their scruffy hair and their aquamarine eyes./p

p /p

p"Boys say hi to your Dad" I tell them./p

p /p

p"Hey Dad", they say in unison. /p

p /p

p"Hey James,I know its been a while but I thought considering its your birthday. We'll say hi" I point to my son on the left./p

p /p

p"This is Griffith James Saunders", I pull the other one to me "And this is Kimberley James Saunders"./p

p /p

pI laugh "These boys will be almost 5, considering I had them so soon after you gone, I like to think they're yours" I have my arms around both my sons./p

p /p

p""These boys are your final gift to me, now you will live on in these boys, they look exactly like you. Ill tell them about you, you won't be forgotten." I get up and hug my boys closer to me. "Happy birthday James. I love you and I miss you". I throw a rose on his grave. My boys throw one too. "Happy birthday Dad" they both say./p

p /p

p"Bye"I hold my boys hand and we walk away. I don't see Miles or Davy or Bill anymore. Last thing I heard of them was that Miles is a father now to 3 kids, Bill is travelling the world with his family and filming cancer in Third World countries and Davy is now a scientist, finding a cure for cancer, specifically rhabodomysarcoma. /p

p /p

pI don't see or hear James anymore either/p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

p /p

pBut i like to think he's dancing in the stars and watching us. After all, he is our third star/p


End file.
